Movin on

Hey all!
Just an FYI that I'm a-movin over to a bigger, faster, stronger spot to blog. Please come with as I head back into the world of blogging, but with a prettier site.
Don't walk, run.....
Www.onethingihavelearnedthehardway.wordpress.com.
Give me a minute to get things moving again and you won't be disappointed. Or maybe you will be. It's not like I'm twisting your arm to read my stuff or anything :)
Hope to see you soon.
Cari

Wedding anniversary

Dear -,
There are so many things that I wish I could tell you.  I wish I could tell you that today, 8 years ago, which was our wedding day, meant a lot to me.  It still does, really.  It signifies everything that I value, and everything that I did wrong.  It signifies how seriously I took things that you did not.  It makes me question who I am, especially in this new relationship that is starting to bloom.  It reminds me what a failure I was.

It also reminds me what hope I had.  How able I am to commit completely and fearlessly to someone and not look back.  It reminds me of all the people that showed up that day, who love me.  It reminds me of white calla lilies and the way that you smelled after a shower.  It reminds me of holding your hand and how that always made things better.

I am so glad that you have moved on, and found someone that is a better match for you.  I am so glad that we made the choice to honor what our marriage was by ending it when it got bad. 
I am so glad to have met you, and learned what qualities I needed to have in a mate to survive.

Someone once told me that a soulmate is not someone who is in your life forever.  A soulmate, rather, is someone that holds a mirror, and helps you to grow.  The intensity of that type of relationship is too great to withstand a lifetime.  They usually burnt out.

So, good-bye again.  I will see you, in my mind, again next year on our anniversary date. 

Peace.

Raising my Standards

Allright.  I think I am on a roll here.  I have something else I have been thinking about, and it pertains to dating.  I am raising my standards.  Since my divorce people have been telling me to virtually give everyone a chance, you never know.  Bullshit.  I have been doing that and it's not working.  I have been flexible (don't have a job, That's okay.....live with your parents, it's all good....sleeping on your ex-wife's couch....he is doing it for the children...).  This is crap.  Because I think that it is possible that I am sending out to the universe, well, just send me whoever.  At this point, anyone is fair game.  Chico is a pretty small place, and I know that there is probably a bigger pool of eligible quality men in a bigger city, but please.  There have got to be more than what is being offered to me.  So here is the deal.  And believe me when I say this is an experiment because maybe I am wrong and I really am getting a good representation of what is out there...but I am done.  I am from now on, only looking at, dating, sleeping with, men that meet every criteria on my list.  You have a face piercing?  Sorry.  Went back to school and have no income?  Not happenin.  Smoke?  Nope.  Eat only Big Macs then complain about being tired all the time?  Not a chance.  I could go on, but I am sure you get my drift. 

But.  There is another piece to this.  And that is, I have to make sure that I am presenting myself as the ultimate package also.  To score an awesome man with all that I want, well, I gotta be all that this guy would want too.  I suspect that the good men are having a hard time with the women available around here as well.  And to me, this means one thing:  lose the extra weight.  I already have the great job, independence, great home, and charming personality (dont laugh) part down.  But I got about 50 extra lbs that is keeping me from Mr. Right and continuing to keep me dating Mr. Well-kind-of-if-he-got-a-haircut.   Without the 50 extra lbs I am carrying around I would be much closer to the complete package, and maybe start feeling like I have a chance with Dr. McDreamy or someone equally as sexy/cool.  Or maybe, after all, I still will have to move.  At least I will be skinnier when I do it:).

Generativity vs. Stagnation

Is has been awhile since I have written.  I apologize.  I did not have much to say.  Now I do.  For those of you who know me fairly well, you probably know that my grandfather fell, broke a hip, and is in the hospital.  You also may know that I was the only family member in town other than my grandmother available to help deal with this situation.  I am in my last week of vacation from school and so fortunately I had time to spend with grandma, at the hospital, helping.  I don't regret a minute of it.  Grandpa had surgery on Tuesday to replace the ball joint that holds the hip in the socket.  His surgeon, whom I have nicknamed Dr. McDreamy, was freaking gorgeous AND the nicest man on the planet.  That's a completely different blog entry though.

Anyway, grandpa is not really recovering very well from surgery.  He is 87 years old and has been sitting in a chair, not using his body or his mind in any way at all for the past ten years.  If you don't use it, you lose it.  If this sounds judgemental, its not.  It has been a huge eye-opening experience for me.  Because now it is too late for him to get his body in the kind of physical and mental shape that can handle this kind of major surgery.  But 10 years ago, when, according to Erickson's stages of development, he decided to become stagnant rather than move forward, it was not too late.  Was it a conscious decision?  Of course not.  You know better, you do better, and honestly I do not think he knew.  But I do know better.  That's the thing.  I know how important it is now to exercise and take care of my body.  I know how important it is to continue to learn new things in order to keep my mind in tip top shape.  Every minute I sit in my Forever Lazy on the couch watching television instead of doing the things that I need to do to be healthy, I am making a choice, the same one grandpa made.  But I know better.

Peace out.

Gravy

I finally figured it out.  The reason Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving leftovers are such a big freaking deal to me.  Gravy.  Vegetarian, of course.  I only make this gravy once a year.  Maybe twice if you are lucky.  I put it on everything.  Mashed Potatoes, stuffing, corn pudding, rolls, green beans...everything.   I'm even okay with it creeping into my pecan pie.  Try it.  You won't go back to regular gravy.  Well maybe you will.  But try it anyway.

Vegetarian Thanksgiving Gravy
Melt 2 tbsp butter in a sauce pan.  When it is completely melted, add 2 tbsp flour.  Cook till browned and thick.  Add 1 1/2 cups veggie broth.  As it starts to thicken add 1 tbsp creamy peanut butter, about 1/2 tsp soy sauce and a couple dashes of cayenne pepper.  Taste for flavor and add more cayenne, or PB as needed.  Since I am the only veggie in the family, I have enough for about 4 meals plus lots of tastes as it cooks.  ENJOY!

In case of Emergency

On Tuesday I got a text from R.  R is the guy that I tried to have a relationship with during summer and spilling into fall.  The single father that just didn't have enough extra to give after his life as a paramedic with 3 small children.  We had not talked in weeks, after we had both stated how much we missed each other. 

The text said "please help.  I have strep throat and 102 degree temp.  I can't get out of bed to get water".   I went over there, got him water, medicine, a cold washcloth and sat holding his hand until he fell asleep.  Somehow, during our on again, off again relationship, I had become his "in case of emergency" person.  The person he contacted when he really needed help.  This feels good.  Our relationship did not work, and we agreed after this last round that we would not try again.  But we will be friends.  We still are important to each other.  And I feel honored to hold the "in case of emergency" spot in his crazy life.

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost

You ever have a week that causes you to have to muster up every bit of strength and courage, strength you did not even know you possessed?  I had one of those weeks.  The worst possible thing that can happen to a teacher happened to me this week.  Allegations.  Child abuse allegations against me.  Fuck.

On Monday a grandparent that was already feeling unsettled about her grandchild's education, (in reality I think the child being removed from her custody and back into custody of parent that had lost custody originally due to abuse was probably more of the issue) showed up in my classroom unannounced.  Her grandson was belted into a wooden chair when she showed up.  This sounds bad.  Let me explain.  Rifton Compass chairs are wooden chairs with a contoured seat and curved arms and are incredibly comfortable.  I have 2 in my classroom.  One has a seatbelt on it and sometimes the kids like to sit in it.  This particular child has clearly sat in this kind of chair in his preschool setting because he buckles himself in.  Sometimes he can unbuckle it, sometimes he needs help.  We always help him if he wants out.

In her mind, her grandson was being restrained.  Thursday, which was also the day of our big Thanksgiving feast that we put on every year for the kids, I had an emergency meeting to discuss this.  At 10:30.  The other teacher that had planned the feast, AND invited all the parents of her class, conveniently took the week off, leaving it all to fall on my narrow shoulders.  We expected to feed over 50 people at noon.

At the meeting, my principal, assistant superintendent, occupational therapist, and I tried to explain the chair to this woman, whom, it became very clear at that point, was more than a little nuts.  She bashed me, my program, my teaching style, everything that I pride myself at being good at.  Inside I felt beaten, emotionally raw, and ready to crawl in bed, pull the covers over my head, and never return to the classroom again.  On the outside, however, I triumphed.  I remained calm and professional.  I did not argue.  I listened.  I expressed to her that I honored her opinion.  I told her what would change.  I never admitted doing anything wrong.  I fucking smiled, for God's sake.  The meeting lasted up until 5 minutes before my feast.  By that time, she was stating what a great teacher I was and we had agreed to try this again, minus the seatbelt. 

When I arrived, late to my classroom, the amazing women that work as teachers aides in my classroom, and the classroom next door, plus my speech therapist, secretary and school psychologist had the feast in full swing.  The kids were excited, and all ran to me, telling me how much they missed me, hugging me, and I felt incredibly blessed to have this job.  And the first time I cried about this horrific experience is now, as I write this.  All I can say is that a lot of people had my back that day.  At the risk of sounding like I am prostalyzing, God works in mysterious ways.

Book

I want to write a book. About relationships. I have, literally, boxes of 20 or more journals I have kept since I was 7. They vary in topic, but the one constant theme is my relationships with men. I've had a lot. And I'm not intending that in a trampy, I get around kinda way...although in all honesty that does come with the territory a bit. I just feel that something should come of this ridiculous 30 year quest to find the right man. Even if I never actually do find the right man.
P.S. Things are still going great with Jason. Scary great. Scary.

Blog-o-rama

I think I will try and write a post everyday for the next week.  I wonder if I have enough to say.  So I am dating someone new.  Well, not really so new.  The widower that I talked about way back in July.  I tracked him down and had dates 2,3,4 and 5 with him.  It's been good.  Like, really good.  Like, so good that I am waiting for the thing that will screw it all up.  That thing is frequently me in dating situations.  I get weird, I get freaked, I just stop liking someone, or I start to like them too much.  I will keep you posted.

I have something to say

Go figure, right.  This one is opinionated and is probably going to piss a few people off but I am going to do it anyway.  Its been writing itself in my head for awhile, but today, in my PMS mood, post painful cortisone shot, I am going to unleash it.  Hope my few readers don't dump me all at once.

Moms that are constantly talking about how hard it is to be a mom....YES.  It is.  I am a teacher and so I know how difficult young children can be, how exhausted they make you, the constant demands for attention....I do get it.  But here's the thing:  I had one dream my whole life.  It was not to be a lawyer, or a doctor or a movie star.  I wanted to be a mom.  Because of fate, or whatever you want to call it, I am not a mom.  I tried for 5 years with my ex-husband, and it was not going to happen.  Now I am 36.  I know some very brave women who are doing it on their own, but with my 10-12 hour days and low teacher salary, honestly, it does not seem like the responsible choice to do that.  I may at some point change my mind.  I feel like you who are constantly talking about how hard it is are taking for granted something that never was an option for some of us, although we wanted it terribly.  I kinda want to tell you where to go.

That's all.  Thanks for listening.

Almond milk made so easy I will blog it from my phone!

So I finally made almond milk. I don't actually like almond milk, or so I thought...it always tasted perfumey (is that a word) to me. Homemade almond milk tastes like heavenly creamy vanilla chai without the tea. Give it a shot. For real!
Almond Milk:
Soak 1 cup almonds overnight. Buy raw organic ones. It's so worth it. Blend in blender: almonds, 4 cups water, half a vanilla bean and 3 medjool dates. Pour through cheesecloth into your container. Voile! Delish!

Forgiveness. Blah blah blah blah blah

So lately I have been doing a lot of meditating on things.  It's an amazing thing to do, as it makes you think more clearly throughout your entire day, really.  Plus it seems to make me find random answers when not even thinking about the question.  I swear, it works.  Trust me.  It also seems to make my heart and mind open in a way that nothing else does.  By this I mean that I am constantly seeing things through a different filter.  I never have thought of myself as a narrow-minded person, but when I meditate often I seem to be even less so.  So last night I had a great evening, spent a few hours with a good friend, then came home to my book and my tea and my dogs and slept like a champ (which is rare for me).  Early this morning I had this dream:

I was meeting my ex-husband in order to drop off our (non-existant) child for his half of the week.  I was happy to see him and completely comfortable giving him the baby.  I also gave him a huge hug and told him to have a great week, and felt at ease with the whole interaction. 
I woke up right away.  The sun was just starting to come up and it was cold in my bedroom.  What was that about?  We do not even have a child.  And I would never give him a hug these days.....then it hit me. 

It was about the role of forgiveness in moving on.  It's been 3 years...or is it 4?  I don't even think of him anymore, really.  But what is it that is making it so difficult to make something work with someone else?  I have not yet really forgiven him.
He was a crappy husband, for a lot of reasons and I will not disrespect him by going into detail about that now.  But, honestly, I think he did try.  He and I were a volatile and damaged couple and we destroyed each other by trying to make the relationship last when it really should not have.  But he did love me, that I am sure of, and he did the best with what he had to make it work.  He worked hard at his job, worked hard on our house, tried to accept me for who I was, and had a very open mind, always willing to try something new.  So here I go, forgiving him.  It was not his fault that I allowed myself to wallow in a bad marriage for so long.  I think I will let go of feeling like I wasted all that time...
Forgiveness is a process.  I think it comes and goes.  But I think I will dwell here for a bit.  It feels good.  Then I will go meditate on it for awhile.

Over:(

Damn, I think it's over.  My relationship that I tried.  I know, it happened quickly, all of it.  But when you know it's just not right, I guess you have to sever ties.  This guy, honestly, he's pretty wonderful.  He is a good dad, has an honorable job, is a good friend, but....it is just not right for me.  I thought for awhile that it was just that his life was too busy...but I have learned even more about what I need in a relationship, even when I thought there was really no more to learn.  You can have a super crazy busy life and still be attentive, I believe.  At least, I really hope you can.  We gave it a go, but I think our relationship styles are different.  Truthfully, I do sort of love him.  But can I really be IN LOVE with someone who is not putting out the effort that I want? Should I be? The answer is no.  Damn, I think it's over.

A few of my favorite things

1.  I have a chihuaha.  And a 16 year golden retriever (And yes, I would put Jack (the chihuaha) in a purse and carry him around if he was that kind of dog.)  But, like most people end up realizing about their kids, he's not THAT kind of dog. He's wildly independent and does his own thing.  Which, really, makes him even better.
2.  Biomega shampoo.  Yeah, I do spend way too much on shampoo to make my hair smell like flowers.  Fortunately, my hairdresser is also my friend, and I get it at cost. 
3.  Shea Moisture Organic African Black Soap.  Makes my shower heaven.  HEAVEN.  No joke.
4.  Alba Botanica Cocoa Butter hand and body lotion.  Hi Summer. 
5.  Watts Beauty Argan Gold pure Argan oil.  Bye bye wrinkles.  I think.
6.  Toms of Maine Long Lasting aluminum-free deoderant in fresh apricot.  Because who doesnt want to smell like fresh apricots?
7.  Schiff Melatonin Ultra.  We all need sleep.  Right??
8.  Paul Mitchell extra body firm finishing spray.  Because my dumb hair just wont do what I ask on its own.
9.  Clean sheets.  I change them every 3 days....because clean sheets are just yummy!  (Someone that may or may not read this blog is probably laughing right now)!
10.  Piping hot stronger than hell coffee. Trader Joes can rock this.  So can Starbucks.
11.  Parmesan cheese.  What isnt better if you add this?  Really?
12.  One certain baby, that makes me want to kiss her over and over and over.
13.  A brand new roll of really good toilet paper (above mentioned person who may or may not read this blog is probably dying of laughter right now)
14.  An amazing gel manicure that lasts for days.
15.  A good book that can monopolize my life for hours.
16.  A great podcast.  "Joy the Baker"...check her out
17.  Levis.  Why do any other jeans exist?
18.  Amy's frozen meals.  Because convenience should still be yummy.
19.  Yoga in any shape or form.  Stretch your body, girls!
20.  Good friends.  I am sooooo blessed to have them everywhere!
Tell me your favorite things!  Please!  I really really want to add to my list!

Pumpkins with Brown Butter Glaze and Candied Walnuts. Right?!

Truth.  These pumpkin muffins are more like a dessert and they are sinful.  Literally.  Not too sweet, just buttery and spicy enough.  You might eat them until you feel sick.  I did. 

For Muffins:

Preheat oven to 350.

Get a couple of cupcake pans out and line them with the cutest wrappers you can find.  Mine were polka dots!  Cream together 2/3 cup butter, and 2 2/3 cups sugar until fluffy.  Stir in 4 eggs, 2 cups fresh pureed pumpkin (or 1 can), and 2/3 cup water.  Then mix in 3 1/3 cups flour, 2 teaspons baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1 teaspoon cloves.  Taste and add more spiciness if needed.  Stir in 1/2 cup chopped walnuts.  Spoon into pan and bake about 30-35 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean.

Brown Butter Icing:

Melt 4 Tablespoons Butter in a small saucepan until brown.  This takes about 10 minutes.  Remove from heat, and strain out any burnt pieces (you may not have any.  This means, like me, you rock:)  Remove from heat and stir in 1 cup powdered sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla, and 1 tablespoon milk.  If sauce needed loosing up, add another tablespoon milk.  Mix well.

Candied Walnuts:

Melt about 1/2 cup sugar until brown.  Toss in about 20 walnut halves and coat them.  Remove them and place on foil to cool.

Ice your cupcakes, and stick one walnut piece on top.  Plate them on something pretty and your friends will be unbelievably impressed.  Trust me. 

Taking the next step

There is a boy.  He's important to me.  And I am important to him.  We have known each other awhile.  We dated last year, for about a month, then he dumped me.  Then we dated again, and I dumped him.  We both had relationships with other people.  We re-connected again as friends at the tail end of his last relationship.  We have played with the idea of an "us" for the last few months.  Now suddenly, he tells me he is in.  Ready.  Whew. 
This is scary!  When you know someone this well, and feel a connection in so many ways, there is no casual dating!  Its all or nothing.  And now I am scared.  Not sure I can do it.  Not ready to ruin the friendship, not ready to give him up, not ready to take the next step.
Decisions, decisions.

Labor Day Brunch

Tamales part dos

I throw some cotija cheese in with the masa, btw.  You can find it in the cheese dept of your grocery store.
Now for the wrapping...

Lay out a square of about 1/4 inch thick masa in the middle of your corm husk, then spoon in a hefty tablespoon of innards along the center.  Bring the two edges of the corn husk together, to close the masa around the innards.

Fold the bottom of corn husk up to cover tamale and then role from left to right.

You will now lay another corn husk down at the exposed end and fold it up, and roll again.
Fill a large pot with about 1 inch or so of water, put in a steamer pot and stack your tamales in.  Steam for about an hour, constantly adding more water as needed.  Presto.  Enjoy!
P.S.  This is my mom demonstrating here.  Her tamale wrapping skills are far superior to mine.  Hi Mom!

Pinterest / Goodies

Pinterest / Goodies:

Neediness

Ok, so I am not going to finish the tamales post just yet.  I made about a million of them last weekend and I need a break.  So stay tuned.  I also am going to make homemade soap tomorrow and will write a blog post about this as well, with pics.  But today I just feel like rambling on about a topic that is pretty major when it comes to dating.  Neediness.

The absolute worst quality you could possibly have when dating.  When you are needy, you wear it like a perfume, and everyone can smell it.  I believe it is the single biggest reason that relationships in the intial stages don't work out. 

Exhibit A:  A man that I used to date, about 2 years ago.  Relationship lasted about 3 months, and honestly, it should have ended way before that.  Anyway, I would have been friends with him....except that he would text, email and facebook message me constantly.  Like 10 texts to my 1.  Finally I told him that if we were to be friends he needed to back way off...and he did.  I would hear from him every couple of months and that was cool.  Then out of nowhere (I guess when I actually responded to him 2 times in a row), he called me.  I talked to him for about 20 minutes, and he made some vaguely innapropriate sexual comments, told me I was beautiful about 10 times, and had information on me that I did not tell him about...obviously he was snooping around somehow.  Needless to say, I have gone back to ignoring his attempts to contact me.  Yes, this is an extreme case, and this guy is actually a bit of a stalker, but in all honesty, I know he's harmless.  Just needy as hell.

Exhibit B:  This just happened the other night.  I went out for a first date with a new man I had met online.  We had drinks, and spent about 2 hours having a really great conversation.  He paid.  I have learned that this is a HUGE indication of someone's interest in me, btw.  If a guy can't even pick up the tab for a cup of coffee...he's just NOT that into you.  Remember this.  Anyway, we exchanged numbers, agreed to go out again...it was all good.  Then...before I even got home, I had received two texts from him.  In all honesty, it was a turn-off.  Will probably see him again, but bumped my interest level down a notch.

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, and I have done it wrong so many times myself, but when you first meet someone, no matter how much you like them, you really have to back off.    If you appear even a little needy when you first meet someone, they will look to the future (at least I do!) and see having to shake off a completely annoying, emotionally attached person.  And most of us REALLY don't want to do this.

And here's the other thing about neediness.  You just can't fake your way through it.  No matter how many games you play, how much time you let elapse before returning a phone call, no matter how many times you are "busy" when someone wants to hang out, its obvious when you are faking.

So here's the solution:
  Live your life, and make it a good one.  Don't depend on anyone else, ever, to make your life what you want it to be.  Cultivate hobbies.  Make good friends.  Try something new.  Read more.  Get more exercise.  Learn how to cook.  Take your kids more places.  Travel.  Becoming interesting and independent.  This is the real way to not be needy.  Because when you really truly aren't needy....well that's obvious too.