Monday, May 28, 2012

Wedding anniversary

Dear -,
There are so many things that I wish I could tell you.  I wish I could tell you that today, 8 years ago, which was our wedding day, meant a lot to me.  It still does, really.  It signifies everything that I value, and everything that I did wrong.  It signifies how seriously I took things that you did not.  It makes me question who I am, especially in this new relationship that is starting to bloom.  It reminds me what a failure I was.

It also reminds me what hope I had.  How able I am to commit completely and fearlessly to someone and not look back.  It reminds me of all the people that showed up that day, who love me.  It reminds me of white calla lilies and the way that you smelled after a shower.  It reminds me of holding your hand and how that always made things better.

I am so glad that you have moved on, and found someone that is a better match for you.  I am so glad that we made the choice to honor what our marriage was by ending it when it got bad. 
I am so glad to have met you, and learned what qualities I needed to have in a mate to survive.

Someone once told me that a soulmate is not someone who is in your life forever.  A soulmate, rather, is someone that holds a mirror, and helps you to grow.  The intensity of that type of relationship is too great to withstand a lifetime.  They usually burnt out.

So, good-bye again.  I will see you, in my mind, again next year on our anniversary date. 


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Raising my Standards

Allright.  I think I am on a roll here.  I have something else I have been thinking about, and it pertains to dating.  I am raising my standards.  Since my divorce people have been telling me to virtually give everyone a chance, you never know.  Bullshit.  I have been doing that and it's not working.  I have been flexible (don't have a job, That's with your parents, it's all good....sleeping on your ex-wife's couch....he is doing it for the children...).  This is crap.  Because I think that it is possible that I am sending out to the universe, well, just send me whoever.  At this point, anyone is fair game.  Chico is a pretty small place, and I know that there is probably a bigger pool of eligible quality men in a bigger city, but please.  There have got to be more than what is being offered to me.  So here is the deal.  And believe me when I say this is an experiment because maybe I am wrong and I really am getting a good representation of what is out there...but I am done.  I am from now on, only looking at, dating, sleeping with, men that meet every criteria on my list.  You have a face piercing?  Sorry.  Went back to school and have no income?  Not happenin.  Smoke?  Nope.  Eat only Big Macs then complain about being tired all the time?  Not a chance.  I could go on, but I am sure you get my drift. 

But.  There is another piece to this.  And that is, I have to make sure that I am presenting myself as the ultimate package also.  To score an awesome man with all that I want, well, I gotta be all that this guy would want too.  I suspect that the good men are having a hard time with the women available around here as well.  And to me, this means one thing:  lose the extra weight.  I already have the great job, independence, great home, and charming personality (dont laugh) part down.  But I got about 50 extra lbs that is keeping me from Mr. Right and continuing to keep me dating Mr. Well-kind-of-if-he-got-a-haircut.   Without the 50 extra lbs I am carrying around I would be much closer to the complete package, and maybe start feeling like I have a chance with Dr. McDreamy or someone equally as sexy/cool.  Or maybe, after all, I still will have to move.  At least I will be skinnier when I do it:).

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Generativity vs. Stagnation

Is has been awhile since I have written.  I apologize.  I did not have much to say.  Now I do.  For those of you who know me fairly well, you probably know that my grandfather fell, broke a hip, and is in the hospital.  You also may know that I was the only family member in town other than my grandmother available to help deal with this situation.  I am in my last week of vacation from school and so fortunately I had time to spend with grandma, at the hospital, helping.  I don't regret a minute of it.  Grandpa had surgery on Tuesday to replace the ball joint that holds the hip in the socket.  His surgeon, whom I have nicknamed Dr. McDreamy, was freaking gorgeous AND the nicest man on the planet.  That's a completely different blog entry though.

Anyway, grandpa is not really recovering very well from surgery.  He is 87 years old and has been sitting in a chair, not using his body or his mind in any way at all for the past ten years.  If you don't use it, you lose it.  If this sounds judgemental, its not.  It has been a huge eye-opening experience for me.  Because now it is too late for him to get his body in the kind of physical and mental shape that can handle this kind of major surgery.  But 10 years ago, when, according to Erickson's stages of development, he decided to become stagnant rather than move forward, it was not too late.  Was it a conscious decision?  Of course not.  You know better, you do better, and honestly I do not think he knew.  But I do know better.  That's the thing.  I know how important it is now to exercise and take care of my body.  I know how important it is to continue to learn new things in order to keep my mind in tip top shape.  Every minute I sit in my Forever Lazy on the couch watching television instead of doing the things that I need to do to be healthy, I am making a choice, the same one grandpa made.  But I know better.

Peace out.