Sunday, July 24, 2011

Are you there Blog, its me Cari...

Hi Blog
Its been awhile.  I had an amazing yoga retreat in Grass Valley, got Strep Throat immediately upon returning home, then went to science camp for a week.  Now I am basking in the joy of relaxing at the beach in Pismo Beach.  Its freaking beautiful here and boy do I need the vacation from, well, my vacation. 

I have been on two dates since we last spoke.  Coffee.  Jason and Tom.  Complete opposite men with very similiar details.  38.  Single.  No kids. College student.  Scorpio.  Need I say more?  Both of them are very nice and really, they seem to both have stories to tell.  Jason was married, and his wife died of breast cancer about 3 years ago.  Tom is in AA and has been sober since 2004, and is a Buddhist, btw.  When you get to be 38, I honestly hope that you have a story to tell.  If not, what have you been doing for 38 years?? 

I feel fascinated by both of them, really.  I don't think that one really has to worry about commitment-phobia with a man that literally helped his wife die.  That's some pretty rockin commitment, isnt it?  Or what about someone who actually has come to terms with his own limitations (alcoholism) and has done something to fix it?  And maintained that particular thing for 7 years!  I feel admiration for both of these men.  But...

Coming into someone's life who has had things really happen, you are always taking a chance.  Jason still spends time with his deceased wife's family.  Sounds lovely, really, in theory.  In reality....hmmmmm.  What if he and I were married, say, 5 years and this was still the case.  That does not sound lovely anymore.  And Tom, sober for 7 years....what if one day he just wasnt sober anymore?  Who knows what life as HIS wife might be like then. 

But the thing is, once you reach 35, you are dealing with the select few men in your age group who happen to also be single.  Its not the same as dating at 22, when everyone is somewhat of a clean slate.  It is now really survival of the fittest and there are not many of us out there making the cut.  We don't have 18 year old bodies, and we might be getting a little grey ( I know I am!).  We have scars from pasts, and some of us handle it well, some of us don't.

But this is what keeps me truckin along...both these men have some pretty serious strikes against them, that may make women look in the other direction, and these guys know that.  But they still put themselves out there.  And that shows character.  And I like character.  So here we go.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Autograph book, about 1987, for one of my lovely readers!

Old journals

I always wanted to be a writer.  I have kept a journal since I was 8.  The following entries are going to be taken straight out of my old journals.

October 16, 2001

I cant stand laying in bed at night with my stomach growling and feeling like I am starving.  I am going to have to find a way around that in my quest to lose weight.  Today I have to wash the dogs and clean the floors.  I also want to try and get some estimates on getting the floor fixed.  I should spend some time studying as well.  I've gotten a little behind.  For breakfast this morning I will have instant oatmeal with dried cranberries.  For lunch, a Lean Cuisin and then for dinner I will have a veggie taco salad.  I think I have to find a way to break my meals into small ones so that I can eat more often and not feel like I am starving to death.  Maybe my stomach is shrinking.  That's a possibility!  I hope it happens quickly because I hate feeling hungry all the time.  It gives me a headache.  I actually dreamed about food last night.  All night.  Quesadillas and cheez-its and chocolate and everything else that is not good for me.  Next Sunday will be my day to eat whatever I want.  Every week I will have one of those days.  Just to keep myself from freaking out.  Is 2 lbs. a week an unreasonable goal?  That I will have to see.  Should I buy a scale?  I talked to Holly last night for the first time in months.  We talked for an hour!  Its always so good to talk to her, its like we never miss a beat!  She's talking about coming up here sometime in November.  I hope it actually happens!  Anyway, I have been having such weird dreams lately!  Last night I dreamt that I was smoking pot in my backyrard even though I knew I shouldnt because of my police officer neighbor...I've decided to mention to Seth that I think he may smoke too much pot and that it worries me that he parties too much.  I dont like that he drinks beers and takes pills together.  Its just not good for you.  Your body has a hard time handling all that stuff and your liver and kidneys and immune system get damaged.  Anyway, I think I will bring it up when I call him today.I don't want to get on his case too bad, but I want to let him know I feel a little worried.

September 15, 1995

Catch my drift
Ride my wavelength
Follow my train
Seach my soul
Push my heart
Grasp my pain
Watch my eyes
Just dont touch my body.

September 20, 1995

...Is it my hair?
Its gotta be my hair
Or am I too fat?
My breasts too small?
My breath stinks?
Am I bad in bed?
Or too smart?  Too dumb?
Am I too mean?  Too nice?
I dont like your friends?
Or your friends dont like me?
Then what is it?
Is is my hair?
Its gotta be my hair...

September 24, 1995

Is it better...
to be constantly trying to be you and figure out who you are?
Or is that thinking too much?
Is it better...
to not think about it and, do what feels right, and not regret it?
I am stuck...
Halfway between being me and wondering if I am really being me.
Are we at our best when we stop thinking about it, or are we really just kidding ourselves??

January 26, 1989

I broke up with Yugala today, before I knew what I was really doing.  He is major pissed.  I still like him.  What can I do?

January 29, 1989

I've decided that even though he doesnt like me anymore, I am still majorly in like with Yugala.  I dont really even like Ryan.  I just wanted someone to like.  Even if Ryan does like me, he had his chance and now I would say "no"!

February 7, 2000

I love this new journal.  I dont have anything to say or write, I just wanted to use my new journal.  I am tired and I dont know where Derek is.  Its not that I think Derek treats me badly, because he doesnt.  And for someone else, maybe the way he treats me would be okay.  I dont know if I am overreacting, or if I am being reasonable.  I guess I feel like he takes me for granted quite a lot.  He always expects me to inconvenience myself to see him.  I dont know if I have a right to be pissed off, or hurt, or just tired of this.  I mean, its not like this is the first time I've felt this way.  I feel like this a little too often.  I dont feel like it is neccessarily him that is the problem, maybe we are just a bad combination.  Like he's not neccessarily doing anything wrong, he's just not doing what I need.  I dont know if I should tell him this or not.  If I do, I feel like I am playing games, threatening him.  Which is too much like what someone else would do.  What do I do?  Just avoid him and pretend like it does not bother me?  That is playing games as well.  So do I just be honest?  I feel like eventually he is going to stop feeling like he fucks up all of the time and start thinking that I am just a bitch all of the time.  He makes me feel like I am oversensitive and bitch all the time.  I know you have to pick your battles, and I try not to let stupid things bother me, but it seems like there are a lot of big things that I just cant let go of.  Maybe he should just no longer be in my life.  He and I are not likely going to be a longterm thing, maybe it would be easier to break it off now.  Do I just let the answering machine pick up?  Do I just not talk to him for awhile?  I honestly think he cares about me, maybe loves me, but is just not very good at being a boyfriend.  He doesnt know how to.  He just forgets.

Another duh moment about falling in love

Well.  I have something to admit.  I have read quite a few books about how to find and score a man.  Honestly, yes I am a single woman, curious as to the surefire way to find (and catch) the man of my dreams...but in a way I also am interested in our culture, and really, what is out there for people to read.  So, that's my excuse for reading this trash.  Really. 

So in these books, it says a lot of really great things about having self-confidence, not being needy, but there also are some plugs for pretending to be less intelligent, less opinionated, make less money, and making the man think that you NEED him.  Think of "The Rules"  books, and realize how many people have taken this premise and run with it.  "He's Just Not That Into You", "Why Men love Bitches", and even "Why Men Marry Bitches".  Seriously.  I have read them.

So today, while perusing Barnes and Noble, this little book caught my eye. "The Case for Falling in Love".  Now I am always looking for things to read, things to write about, and this looked a little different than my current "research".  Bought it, even though hardback prices completely annoy me.  (That's why Bossypants, by Tina Fey, has not been purchased at this point). 

And it said this to me...Yes.  Yes, you may score a man by letting him take care of you, pretending not to know how to screw in a lightbulb by yourself, not having strong opinions, playing hard to get, making him pay for everything...but who the fuck wants THAT GUY?  Really.  I mean, if I play that role for awhile, don't I have to play it forever, if I score this dude?  Or worse, what if I actually become that woman?

I have a graduate degree.  I own a new car.  I have a great house.  I eat well.  I go on vacation.  I exercise.  I am educated and have opinions on current affairs.  I have a lot of great friends and a wonderful family.  If my success is too much for you, Mister Rules Man, honestly, you can suck it.  I'd much rather be alone.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Uh yeah, men.

The alternative title for this post was "Another thing that frustrates me". 

I am not having the best of luck with men lately.  I just decided to take that plunge and go back on, just in case there is a fabulous man out there who is looking for me.  Met one, who seems nice, but also seems a wee bit flakey.  Reconnected with an old friend, who at this point, suddenly has made himself a little scarce, and met a really nerdy but very nice lawyer the other night, whom I seemed to hit it off with, but have yet to actually hear from him at all.  What gives?  I know I am not a woman who tends to be needy or pushy, I have a good job and I am nice and funny.  I have pretty brown eyes and a nice smile.  Far from perfect, but far from awful as well. 

I have gotten several emails from men that are, well, of course I have not responded.  But the single, good quality men are either non-existant, passing me by, or just not looking right now.  I am going to hope that they are just busy enjoying their summer, and will come around sooner or later.  But at this point, who knows.  I think I will go get a pedicure.