Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I have something to say

Go figure, right.  This one is opinionated and is probably going to piss a few people off but I am going to do it anyway.  Its been writing itself in my head for awhile, but today, in my PMS mood, post painful cortisone shot, I am going to unleash it.  Hope my few readers don't dump me all at once.

Moms that are constantly talking about how hard it is to be a mom....YES.  It is.  I am a teacher and so I know how difficult young children can be, how exhausted they make you, the constant demands for attention....I do get it.  But here's the thing:  I had one dream my whole life.  It was not to be a lawyer, or a doctor or a movie star.  I wanted to be a mom.  Because of fate, or whatever you want to call it, I am not a mom.  I tried for 5 years with my ex-husband, and it was not going to happen.  Now I am 36.  I know some very brave women who are doing it on their own, but with my 10-12 hour days and low teacher salary, honestly, it does not seem like the responsible choice to do that.  I may at some point change my mind.  I feel like you who are constantly talking about how hard it is are taking for granted something that never was an option for some of us, although we wanted it terribly.  I kinda want to tell you where to go.

That's all.  Thanks for listening.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Almond milk made so easy I will blog it from my phone!

So I finally made almond milk. I don't actually like almond milk, or so I always tasted perfumey (is that a word) to me. Homemade almond milk tastes like heavenly creamy vanilla chai without the tea. Give it a shot. For real!
Almond Milk:
Soak 1 cup almonds overnight. Buy raw organic ones. It's so worth it. Blend in blender: almonds, 4 cups water, half a vanilla bean and 3 medjool dates. Pour through cheesecloth into your container. Voile! Delish!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Forgiveness. Blah blah blah blah blah

So lately I have been doing a lot of meditating on things.  It's an amazing thing to do, as it makes you think more clearly throughout your entire day, really.  Plus it seems to make me find random answers when not even thinking about the question.  I swear, it works.  Trust me.  It also seems to make my heart and mind open in a way that nothing else does.  By this I mean that I am constantly seeing things through a different filter.  I never have thought of myself as a narrow-minded person, but when I meditate often I seem to be even less so.  So last night I had a great evening, spent a few hours with a good friend, then came home to my book and my tea and my dogs and slept like a champ (which is rare for me).  Early this morning I had this dream:

I was meeting my ex-husband in order to drop off our (non-existant) child for his half of the week.  I was happy to see him and completely comfortable giving him the baby.  I also gave him a huge hug and told him to have a great week, and felt at ease with the whole interaction. 
I woke up right away.  The sun was just starting to come up and it was cold in my bedroom.  What was that about?  We do not even have a child.  And I would never give him a hug these days.....then it hit me. 

It was about the role of forgiveness in moving on.  It's been 3 years...or is it 4?  I don't even think of him anymore, really.  But what is it that is making it so difficult to make something work with someone else?  I have not yet really forgiven him.
He was a crappy husband, for a lot of reasons and I will not disrespect him by going into detail about that now.  But, honestly, I think he did try.  He and I were a volatile and damaged couple and we destroyed each other by trying to make the relationship last when it really should not have.  But he did love me, that I am sure of, and he did the best with what he had to make it work.  He worked hard at his job, worked hard on our house, tried to accept me for who I was, and had a very open mind, always willing to try something new.  So here I go, forgiving him.  It was not his fault that I allowed myself to wallow in a bad marriage for so long.  I think I will let go of feeling like I wasted all that time...
Forgiveness is a process.  I think it comes and goes.  But I think I will dwell here for a bit.  It feels good.  Then I will go meditate on it for awhile.

Friday, October 14, 2011


Damn, I think it's over.  My relationship that I tried.  I know, it happened quickly, all of it.  But when you know it's just not right, I guess you have to sever ties.  This guy, honestly, he's pretty wonderful.  He is a good dad, has an honorable job, is a good friend, is just not right for me.  I thought for awhile that it was just that his life was too busy...but I have learned even more about what I need in a relationship, even when I thought there was really no more to learn.  You can have a super crazy busy life and still be attentive, I believe.  At least, I really hope you can.  We gave it a go, but I think our relationship styles are different.  Truthfully, I do sort of love him.  But can I really be IN LOVE with someone who is not putting out the effort that I want? Should I be? The answer is no.  Damn, I think it's over.