Saturday, May 28, 2011

Another tough thing to get

Ok people, ladies in particular, I am about to say something that is so "duh" that its unbelievable it took me 35 years to figure it out.  If you are dating someone who hates all his ex-girlfriends, wives, etc., because they are crazy, trampy, smothering, etc., etc., know someday that chances are....this woman will be you.  If you date a man that was abusive, a cheater, a liar, didnt pay his child support, had a drug or alcohol problem in previous relationships, especially if he is in his mid-thirties or older, this will most likely be your life too.  I am not so pestimistic or negative to believe that people don't change, because sometimes they do.  I know I have in my lifetime.  But expecting relationship patterns to be different when they have so clearly been negative for someone in the past is not realistic.

I hate to sound preachy, and I know that there are many people out there who are really trying to make a relationship work, because of vows, and sometimes just out of love, and I very much honor that commitment.  I did it in my marriage, and I would do it again.  But there is a difference between paying attention, knowing what you are getting yourself into, and blindly looking past warning signs.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Wow that last blog entry was a complete random tangent.  Sorry.  I get distracted.

I had to confront someone at work today and I chickened out.  Well, let me clarify that.  Not sure if I chickened out or if I was so afraid that my temper would take over the situation that I politely handed it off to my boss.  Confrontation is such a weird thing to us as women.  Or maybe its everyone.  I used to be pretty ok at it.  But then at some point, I started feeling like I wasnt really sure that my opinion mattered.  My view of the world is so grey at times that often I am not really all that sure I am right.  I mean, who am I?  I'm certainly not God and I certainly do not pretend to have all the answers. thing I do that at times, I am right, even if only for me in my present circumstances.  And sometimes I really am fucking right.   And at those times, I deserve to be heard.  Even if my boss is the one that has to say it.

Yes, I am still working on it.  LOL

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The yoga retreat

God I am a nerd.  But I embrace it these days.  So yeah, I am one of those crazy people that believes in karma and the power of the universe, collects buddhas, does yoga and meditates, eats vegetarian, buys organic and local, and is thirsty as hell to learn more, more, more!  I teach my autistic students yoga and deep breathing while other teachers roll their eyes.  I feed them veggies and hummus for snack even though their lunch was raviolis and corn from a can. 

But here is the clincher.  I have two dogs.  They are 16 and 8, and they eat shitty pedigree food from a can.  I throw in lots of veggie scraps, which they like, so they eat healthier than most, but still.  This plagues me.  I used to feed them higher quality dry food, still not vegetarian, but Ty my 16 year old cant stomach the dry stuff anymore so now we have resorted to crap food.  But between his 60 dollar a month arthiritis medicine, and the 50 bucks a month the cheap crap food costs me, I literally cant afford to do any better.

So again, I am back to thinking about parenting.  Most of us desire to have our children be as healthy as humanly possible, right?  But most of us also are not rolling in dough, so to speak.  Why is it that the crap food is so much less expensive and why is it that children like it so much more?  Is it because of the cafeteria from a can lunch?  Or something else?  Is it because parents just get so tired of the fight to eat healthy that they finally settle for just eating??  This happens in my class too.  Sometimes its either let them eat the stinking dessert or they will eat nothing, and their skinny little bodies just need some damn calories.

This isnt what I really wanted to talk about, but now I wonder.  Where exactly does the problem with healthy eating in our society begin?  Are healthy things too expensive?  Are we teaching kids the wrong things?  Are we poor models ourselves? Hmmmmm

Thanks peeps

Well, I really have appreciated those of you who have checked this out, and added themselves, and given me positive support.  Its really awesome.  If you like this, please add yourself as a follower.  This is the first time ever I have had the guts to do something like this and I need the kudos! LOL.

Anyway, I am going to write a very brief last entry regarding my break-up because it is truly a done deal and time to move on.  We will not be friends.  Not my choice, but I will admit there are some things about the guy that are just too tough to deal with in everyday life.  I was apologizing way too much, and often when I had no clue as to what I did wrong.  Next.

Weirdly enough, although I abhor the idea of dating again, all the nervousness and all the NO guys that you have to go through in order to find one you actually like, I am fairly comfortable with the idea of having a partner in my life.  I just know I havent yet picked the right one.  I also know it might take awhile because I am one picky bitch.  But truthfully, for the first time in my life, I actually feel like an adult, who has the capability to make good choices, and will trust myself to pick someone, no matter how long it takes.

And in the meantime, my life is pretty wonderful.  I have great friends, great family, a fabulous job, and a fabulous house, with 2 fabulous dogs.  I don't neccessarily have 2 gorgeous children, a great wardrobe, or an amazing body, but eh, we take what we are given and we appreciate it.  Plus I am working on the wardrobe.  LOL.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


I have been creating like mad these past few weeks.  Hairclips, pillows, a quilt, baby gifts, a new yoga bag and every possible weird new item of food using veggies from my CSA box you can imagine.  Two types of kale salad.  Turnips sauteed with veggie canadian bacon.  Even brown rice with herbs wrapped in a chard leaf with a dollop of goat cheese on top.  Tons of soups, beans and extra healthy casseroles to go in the freezer.  I also have been doing yoga and meditating every chance I can.  I love this, but honestly, it feels a little manic, like I am trying to fill a void instead of honestly just admitting its there.Who is going to eat all this food?  And drink the big pitcher of fresh basil/mint lemonade I just made from the herbs I planted last weekend?

I should probably try and be more social...but truth is, I am an introvert.  I happen to have pretty decent social skills (most of the time), so I do have a lot of friends, but my friends nowadays are all attached.  Except me.  Most of them have kids.  Except me.  Ahem.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Breaking up Part Dos

Well.  Having dinner with the ex tonight.  I dont know how to feel.  When you hit 35, which I know is not old at all in terms of a lifespan, but when you hit 35 it becomes a very stark reality that you may never really meet the right person.  I mean, ok, I give you up, babies, but do I really want to give up on finding someone to share my life with?
Resolving to be happy and single, I have done that.  I did for years between my horrid divorce and Kevin.  But then when you do have that person around, get used to them, its nice.  I guess I got used to it again and now I see once again that yes, I am missing out, at some level, by resolving to stay alone.
But I am still too much a real woman to stay with the wrong person, for the wrong reasons.  Sometimes being smart and not willing to settle sucks!
Why am I writing this now?  Because I got some very odd vibes from K regarding this dinner these past few days.  I got called "sunshine" again twice (my old nickname) and "sweetheart".  He wanted to keep my pillowcases because they "smelled good", and well, was caught openly gaping at my leg while I was wearing a skirt.  He also has said he didnt want to be my friend if I had a boyfriend, and has made several comments about how much he liked this side of me.  The freedom loving, happy single side, I guess he means.
It would be very easy to fall back into this relationship for me.  Doesnt mean its right.  Damn smart bitch on my shoulder will probably win against the cupid on my other shoulder.  Yep.  Pretty sure.  Shit.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Its been awhile

Well, I know I only have one follower, but a friend has recently asked me to post, so I guess maybe other people are reading, but don't want to commit? Anyway, so here it is.  I havent written lately because my partner in crime, Kevin, and I have split.  I needed a minute to digest it all, and feel completely depressed, but now I am back on my feet and feeling pretty good. 

Its one of those weird things, but even though I absolutely adore the guy, and he really had become my best friend, I also know, dammit...that he's not good for me.  I question myself often about me in relationships in general, because truthfully, I am not sure I am ever really at my best in a relationship.  I tend to be great at being alone, I have lots of friends and hobbies and enjoy all of them and as soon as I am in a relationship, its all gone.  In this particular case, I was especially off because of some of the issues particular to him. 

I am happy to say though, that for the first time ever, it seems that I will remain friends with my ex.  He and I are really trying to make that happen.  As for me, being single feels great.  Yoga several times a week, sewing, spending time with my family and friends again, and generally just looking after me, feels good.