So lately I have been doing a lot of meditating on things. It's an amazing thing to do, as it makes you think more clearly throughout your entire day, really. Plus it seems to make me find random answers when not even thinking about the question. I swear, it works. Trust me. It also seems to make my heart and mind open in a way that nothing else does. By this I mean that I am constantly seeing things through a different filter. I never have thought of myself as a narrow-minded person, but when I meditate often I seem to be even less so. So last night I had a great evening, spent a few hours with a good friend, then came home to my book and my tea and my dogs and slept like a champ (which is rare for me). Early this morning I had this dream:
I was meeting my ex-husband in order to drop off our (non-existant) child for his half of the week. I was happy to see him and completely comfortable giving him the baby. I also gave him a huge hug and told him to have a great week, and felt at ease with the whole interaction.
I woke up right away. The sun was just starting to come up and it was cold in my bedroom. What was that about? We do not even have a child. And I would never give him a hug these days.....then it hit me.
It was about the role of forgiveness in moving on. It's been 3 years...or is it 4? I don't even think of him anymore, really. But what is it that is making it so difficult to make something work with someone else? I have not yet really forgiven him.
He was a crappy husband, for a lot of reasons and I will not disrespect him by going into detail about that now. But, honestly, I think he did try. He and I were a volatile and damaged couple and we destroyed each other by trying to make the relationship last when it really should not have. But he did love me, that I am sure of, and he did the best with what he had to make it work. He worked hard at his job, worked hard on our house, tried to accept me for who I was, and had a very open mind, always willing to try something new. So here I go, forgiving him. It was not his fault that I allowed myself to wallow in a bad marriage for so long. I think I will let go of feeling like I wasted all that time...
Forgiveness is a process. I think it comes and goes. But I think I will dwell here for a bit. It feels good. Then I will go meditate on it for awhile.