I have something to say

Go figure, right.  This one is opinionated and is probably going to piss a few people off but I am going to do it anyway.  Its been writing itself in my head for awhile, but today, in my PMS mood, post painful cortisone shot, I am going to unleash it.  Hope my few readers don't dump me all at once.

Moms that are constantly talking about how hard it is to be a mom....YES.  It is.  I am a teacher and so I know how difficult young children can be, how exhausted they make you, the constant demands for attention....I do get it.  But here's the thing:  I had one dream my whole life.  It was not to be a lawyer, or a doctor or a movie star.  I wanted to be a mom.  Because of fate, or whatever you want to call it, I am not a mom.  I tried for 5 years with my ex-husband, and it was not going to happen.  Now I am 36.  I know some very brave women who are doing it on their own, but with my 10-12 hour days and low teacher salary, honestly, it does not seem like the responsible choice to do that.  I may at some point change my mind.  I feel like you who are constantly talking about how hard it is are taking for granted something that never was an option for some of us, although we wanted it terribly.  I kinda want to tell you where to go.

That's all.  Thanks for listening.

Almond milk made so easy I will blog it from my phone!

So I finally made almond milk. I don't actually like almond milk, or so I thought...it always tasted perfumey (is that a word) to me. Homemade almond milk tastes like heavenly creamy vanilla chai without the tea. Give it a shot. For real!
Almond Milk:
Soak 1 cup almonds overnight. Buy raw organic ones. It's so worth it. Blend in blender: almonds, 4 cups water, half a vanilla bean and 3 medjool dates. Pour through cheesecloth into your container. Voile! Delish!

Forgiveness. Blah blah blah blah blah

So lately I have been doing a lot of meditating on things.  It's an amazing thing to do, as it makes you think more clearly throughout your entire day, really.  Plus it seems to make me find random answers when not even thinking about the question.  I swear, it works.  Trust me.  It also seems to make my heart and mind open in a way that nothing else does.  By this I mean that I am constantly seeing things through a different filter.  I never have thought of myself as a narrow-minded person, but when I meditate often I seem to be even less so.  So last night I had a great evening, spent a few hours with a good friend, then came home to my book and my tea and my dogs and slept like a champ (which is rare for me).  Early this morning I had this dream:

I was meeting my ex-husband in order to drop off our (non-existant) child for his half of the week.  I was happy to see him and completely comfortable giving him the baby.  I also gave him a huge hug and told him to have a great week, and felt at ease with the whole interaction. 
I woke up right away.  The sun was just starting to come up and it was cold in my bedroom.  What was that about?  We do not even have a child.  And I would never give him a hug these days.....then it hit me. 

It was about the role of forgiveness in moving on.  It's been 3 years...or is it 4?  I don't even think of him anymore, really.  But what is it that is making it so difficult to make something work with someone else?  I have not yet really forgiven him.
He was a crappy husband, for a lot of reasons and I will not disrespect him by going into detail about that now.  But, honestly, I think he did try.  He and I were a volatile and damaged couple and we destroyed each other by trying to make the relationship last when it really should not have.  But he did love me, that I am sure of, and he did the best with what he had to make it work.  He worked hard at his job, worked hard on our house, tried to accept me for who I was, and had a very open mind, always willing to try something new.  So here I go, forgiving him.  It was not his fault that I allowed myself to wallow in a bad marriage for so long.  I think I will let go of feeling like I wasted all that time...
Forgiveness is a process.  I think it comes and goes.  But I think I will dwell here for a bit.  It feels good.  Then I will go meditate on it for awhile.

Over:(

Damn, I think it's over.  My relationship that I tried.  I know, it happened quickly, all of it.  But when you know it's just not right, I guess you have to sever ties.  This guy, honestly, he's pretty wonderful.  He is a good dad, has an honorable job, is a good friend, but....it is just not right for me.  I thought for awhile that it was just that his life was too busy...but I have learned even more about what I need in a relationship, even when I thought there was really no more to learn.  You can have a super crazy busy life and still be attentive, I believe.  At least, I really hope you can.  We gave it a go, but I think our relationship styles are different.  Truthfully, I do sort of love him.  But can I really be IN LOVE with someone who is not putting out the effort that I want? Should I be? The answer is no.  Damn, I think it's over.

A few of my favorite things

1.  I have a chihuaha.  And a 16 year golden retriever (And yes, I would put Jack (the chihuaha) in a purse and carry him around if he was that kind of dog.)  But, like most people end up realizing about their kids, he's not THAT kind of dog. He's wildly independent and does his own thing.  Which, really, makes him even better.
2.  Biomega shampoo.  Yeah, I do spend way too much on shampoo to make my hair smell like flowers.  Fortunately, my hairdresser is also my friend, and I get it at cost. 
3.  Shea Moisture Organic African Black Soap.  Makes my shower heaven.  HEAVEN.  No joke.
4.  Alba Botanica Cocoa Butter hand and body lotion.  Hi Summer. 
5.  Watts Beauty Argan Gold pure Argan oil.  Bye bye wrinkles.  I think.
6.  Toms of Maine Long Lasting aluminum-free deoderant in fresh apricot.  Because who doesnt want to smell like fresh apricots?
7.  Schiff Melatonin Ultra.  We all need sleep.  Right??
8.  Paul Mitchell extra body firm finishing spray.  Because my dumb hair just wont do what I ask on its own.
9.  Clean sheets.  I change them every 3 days....because clean sheets are just yummy!  (Someone that may or may not read this blog is probably laughing right now)!
10.  Piping hot stronger than hell coffee. Trader Joes can rock this.  So can Starbucks.
11.  Parmesan cheese.  What isnt better if you add this?  Really?
12.  One certain baby, that makes me want to kiss her over and over and over.
13.  A brand new roll of really good toilet paper (above mentioned person who may or may not read this blog is probably dying of laughter right now)
14.  An amazing gel manicure that lasts for days.
15.  A good book that can monopolize my life for hours.
16.  A great podcast.  "Joy the Baker"...check her out
17.  Levis.  Why do any other jeans exist?
18.  Amy's frozen meals.  Because convenience should still be yummy.
19.  Yoga in any shape or form.  Stretch your body, girls!
20.  Good friends.  I am sooooo blessed to have them everywhere!
Tell me your favorite things!  Please!  I really really want to add to my list!

Pumpkins with Brown Butter Glaze and Candied Walnuts. Right?!

Truth.  These pumpkin muffins are more like a dessert and they are sinful.  Literally.  Not too sweet, just buttery and spicy enough.  You might eat them until you feel sick.  I did. 

For Muffins:

Preheat oven to 350.

Get a couple of cupcake pans out and line them with the cutest wrappers you can find.  Mine were polka dots!  Cream together 2/3 cup butter, and 2 2/3 cups sugar until fluffy.  Stir in 4 eggs, 2 cups fresh pureed pumpkin (or 1 can), and 2/3 cup water.  Then mix in 3 1/3 cups flour, 2 teaspons baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1 teaspoon cloves.  Taste and add more spiciness if needed.  Stir in 1/2 cup chopped walnuts.  Spoon into pan and bake about 30-35 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean.

Brown Butter Icing:

Melt 4 Tablespoons Butter in a small saucepan until brown.  This takes about 10 minutes.  Remove from heat, and strain out any burnt pieces (you may not have any.  This means, like me, you rock:)  Remove from heat and stir in 1 cup powdered sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla, and 1 tablespoon milk.  If sauce needed loosing up, add another tablespoon milk.  Mix well.

Candied Walnuts:

Melt about 1/2 cup sugar until brown.  Toss in about 20 walnut halves and coat them.  Remove them and place on foil to cool.

Ice your cupcakes, and stick one walnut piece on top.  Plate them on something pretty and your friends will be unbelievably impressed.  Trust me. 

Taking the next step

There is a boy.  He's important to me.  And I am important to him.  We have known each other awhile.  We dated last year, for about a month, then he dumped me.  Then we dated again, and I dumped him.  We both had relationships with other people.  We re-connected again as friends at the tail end of his last relationship.  We have played with the idea of an "us" for the last few months.  Now suddenly, he tells me he is in.  Ready.  Whew. 
This is scary!  When you know someone this well, and feel a connection in so many ways, there is no casual dating!  Its all or nothing.  And now I am scared.  Not sure I can do it.  Not ready to ruin the friendship, not ready to give him up, not ready to take the next step.
Decisions, decisions.