I have had salads every night for dinner these past few weeks. It struck me that probably if I had a man in my life, I wouldnt be able to do this. Which makes me think of this: I don't really slip into anything comfortably. I struggle and fight my way through things. What a hazard in relationships. I want a relationship, I dont want a relationship, truly I can't seem to ever settle into things easily.
Yesterday I went to go see Alexis and Hugh and the new baby. I expected to see the struggling new parents, trying to figure out how to live their lives, while everything has changed. Instead, I saw two people who had slipped so graciously into parenthood that it was hard to believe. Hugh, he has always taken everything in stride, so it wasnt SO surprising to see him embracing this huge new piece of his life easily and with the same mellow attitude that he does everything else. Alexis, on the other hand, she's more like me. She worries and stresses and controls and gets antsy...etc, etc,.....but here she is, relaxed and slowing down her life and being this amazing parent. I can't say I know its been easy, because she has had the issues every new mom encounters with breastfeeding, and not sleeping enough, and un-solicited advice....but something in her has managed to enjoy the process and is very naturally taking to being a parent.
Being a teacher of children with pretty severe disabilities has done this to me a little. There is a level of patience that I have truly had to aquire, otherwise I would not have ever made it in this career. But there is still a piece of me in my home life that really needs to come home to the exact same house I left, whether I left my dishes out or not. I need what I put in the cupboard to stay in the cupboard until I remove it. I need my eating habits to be top priority and I need to control when I go to bed. I know that I am not the only woman out there like this, and I am sure there are plenty who have children who feel this way too. But, how do you manage to be a great parent, and not be a martyr? I have seen many women, and men, do it, but I feel like there HAS to be a cost....right??
I may not ever know this for myself. But I can say this....I just saw yesterday, two brand new parents doing it, and doing it well. For now, thats enough.