Thursday, August 11, 2011


This summer I am trying very hard to break my emotional attachment to money.  I mean, come on, its just money...right??  I didnt really have to even come to terms with money until I was 32, when my husband and I split.  He always made quite a bit and there was always extra if we needed it.  We owned a house, two cars, a boat, a camper, two quads and a dirt bike for recreation.  Costco trips cost upwards of $400 and we did it twice a month.  When I left that marriage, I had just finished the teaching credential program, moved  in with my parents, was commuting with a crappy old car, and had not a penny for the first two months, until my first summer school paycheck. 

I have come a very long way since then.  It took me 6 months to find a place that would take me and my three dogs, and the landlord was willing to let me make payments on the deposit.  I did not have cable, or internet.  At that point, I had bought a new car and needed to make sacrifices in other areas.  I went through phases of choosing what bill to pay and what bill I could put off till next month.  I had to let a couple of credit cards that I had used during the last part of graduate school to go to collections.  I even used a few of those awful payday loan places, before I figured it all out.  And here's the deal now.  My bills are all paid monthly.  I have a credit card used specifically for gas.  I have very cheap, slow, internet and am still debating whether to get cable again.  I do everything I possibly can to keep my PG and E bill down (side note:  Kevin was very inconsiderate about this....cranking up the heat instead of just putting some pants or a sweatshirt on, leaving the television on for the dogs!  I mean, come on.) I have a budget book, which includes all my incoming and outgoing expenses and how much I have each week to spend on things that are extra.  There are a few things however, that are priorities and I just won't skimp on...getting my hair cut and colored, fresh organic veggies, and all natural (albiet more expensive) cleaning products and toiletries. 

And the thing is, at the end of the month (another sidenote: teachers only get paid once a month)....I am pretty much always still left feeling completely broke and totally embarrassed about it.  I am not sure how to change this.  I don't like the anxiety I feel at the end of the month, wondering if I can make it on the small amount of food left, and if I can ride my bike wherever I need to go, as to avoid buying gas for my empty car.  I am well aware, that according to the laws of attraction, my anxiety and fear around money only serve to perpetuate the problem...but honestly, I just can't seem to let it go and relax about it.  As many times as I tell myself it will all work out, which it always does, there is still the voice in the back of my head saying "Loser!  You are broke AGAIN!".

There is something to be said for the wonderful house I now find myself living in, and the fact that I have another beautiful new car...but not having really any spending money, now that sucks.

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