Thursday, August 11, 2011

A quiet retreat

Its weird not talking to anyone for a whole day, even weirder for more than one day.  I mean, I have talked to people, to order food, pay for my massage, the girl at the farmers market with the indian food....but I havent really TALKED to anyone.  When I was younger, I think that this would have probably really bothered me.  I would have felt incredibly lonely.  Now I just sort of, notice it.  See I have recently made a commitment to myself.  This commitment is that regardless of whether or not I have someone else, a significant other, in my life, I will still commit to taking vacations and trying new things, even if I am doing it alone.  I am proud of myself for this, and most of the day I feel completely happy and satisfied.  But when evening rolls around, and I have done everything I wanted to do during the day, then I notice that there's no one here but me and Dave Matthews on Pandora.  And even that keeps shutting off for some reason.

Traveling alone takes bravery.  When I say I am visiting here, completely by myself, people either look at me with envy or pity.  Seriously.  There is no other expression.  I may have mentioned this before, but I honestly believe that people who have been married or living with someone for a long time, think that the rest of us are just perpetually lonely.  Which really isnt true.  Sure we have moments of loneliness, but I honestly believe that not many more of us single people are lonely then people who have paired off.  Someone once told me that its much lonelier to be with someone and feel alone, then actually be truly alone.  Interesting thought, huh?

And really, when I am home, the only time I really feel lonely is when there is some sort of major catastrophe, and I wish I wasnt dealing with it alone.  Or in the evenings, after I have done all I want to do, and there is no one to talk to about how bad the tv is tonight, or how interesting my book has become.  No one to say "hey I think I am going to bed", to.  So I think I will just take my tea out to the beach and watch the sunset.  By myself.  And it won't be any less spectacular.

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