The toughest thing to say of all

I don't have kids and probably never will, at least biologically.  There.  I said it.  This was not by choice, by the way.  I did everything "right".  Waited until I was 27 to get married.  Found out my husband was sterile, but stuck by him anyway for 5 years, until things went south, in the middle of adoption proceedings.  Now I am 35, and am faced with the notion that although more than anything, I always wanted a family, its probably not in the cards for me.  Am I sad?  Yes.  Am I relieved?  Yes.  I shy away from baby showers, birthday parties, etc., because honestly, its just too painful.  But do I enjoy that my boyfriend and I eat out more than in, can sleep in on weekends, and that I can pack up and vacation at any given moment?  Yes!  Emphatically.  Do I take full advantage of all of these things being childless affords me?  Not really.  Well jeez.  Where does that leave me?  Still negotiating to make the final choice, before life and age makes it for me.  Whew.  Time to step up girlfriend.  Thats what this blog is about.