Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Old journals

I always wanted to be a writer.  I have kept a journal since I was 8.  The following entries are going to be taken straight out of my old journals.

October 16, 2001

I cant stand laying in bed at night with my stomach growling and feeling like I am starving.  I am going to have to find a way around that in my quest to lose weight.  Today I have to wash the dogs and clean the floors.  I also want to try and get some estimates on getting the floor fixed.  I should spend some time studying as well.  I've gotten a little behind.  For breakfast this morning I will have instant oatmeal with dried cranberries.  For lunch, a Lean Cuisin and then for dinner I will have a veggie taco salad.  I think I have to find a way to break my meals into small ones so that I can eat more often and not feel like I am starving to death.  Maybe my stomach is shrinking.  That's a possibility!  I hope it happens quickly because I hate feeling hungry all the time.  It gives me a headache.  I actually dreamed about food last night.  All night.  Quesadillas and cheez-its and chocolate and everything else that is not good for me.  Next Sunday will be my day to eat whatever I want.  Every week I will have one of those days.  Just to keep myself from freaking out.  Is 2 lbs. a week an unreasonable goal?  That I will have to see.  Should I buy a scale?  I talked to Holly last night for the first time in months.  We talked for an hour!  Its always so good to talk to her, its like we never miss a beat!  She's talking about coming up here sometime in November.  I hope it actually happens!  Anyway, I have been having such weird dreams lately!  Last night I dreamt that I was smoking pot in my backyrard even though I knew I shouldnt because of my police officer neighbor...I've decided to mention to Seth that I think he may smoke too much pot and that it worries me that he parties too much.  I dont like that he drinks beers and takes pills together.  Its just not good for you.  Your body has a hard time handling all that stuff and your liver and kidneys and immune system get damaged.  Anyway, I think I will bring it up when I call him today.I don't want to get on his case too bad, but I want to let him know I feel a little worried.

September 15, 1995

Catch my drift
Ride my wavelength
Follow my train
Seach my soul
Push my heart
Grasp my pain
Watch my eyes
Just dont touch my body.

September 20, 1995

...Is it my hair?
Its gotta be my hair
Or am I too fat?
My breasts too small?
My breath stinks?
Am I bad in bed?
Or too smart?  Too dumb?
Am I too mean?  Too nice?
I dont like your friends?
Or your friends dont like me?
Then what is it?
Is is my hair?
Its gotta be my hair...

September 24, 1995

Is it better...
to be constantly trying to be you and figure out who you are?
Or is that thinking too much?
Is it better...
to not think about it and, do what feels right, and not regret it?
I am stuck...
Halfway between being me and wondering if I am really being me.
Are we at our best when we stop thinking about it, or are we really just kidding ourselves??

January 26, 1989

I broke up with Yugala today, before I knew what I was really doing.  He is major pissed.  I still like him.  What can I do?

January 29, 1989

I've decided that even though he doesnt like me anymore, I am still majorly in like with Yugala.  I dont really even like Ryan.  I just wanted someone to like.  Even if Ryan does like me, he had his chance and now I would say "no"!

February 7, 2000

I love this new journal.  I dont have anything to say or write, I just wanted to use my new journal.  I am tired and I dont know where Derek is.  Its not that I think Derek treats me badly, because he doesnt.  And for someone else, maybe the way he treats me would be okay.  I dont know if I am overreacting, or if I am being reasonable.  I guess I feel like he takes me for granted quite a lot.  He always expects me to inconvenience myself to see him.  I dont know if I have a right to be pissed off, or hurt, or just tired of this.  I mean, its not like this is the first time I've felt this way.  I feel like this a little too often.  I dont feel like it is neccessarily him that is the problem, maybe we are just a bad combination.  Like he's not neccessarily doing anything wrong, he's just not doing what I need.  I dont know if I should tell him this or not.  If I do, I feel like I am playing games, threatening him.  Which is too much like what someone else would do.  What do I do?  Just avoid him and pretend like it does not bother me?  That is playing games as well.  So do I just be honest?  I feel like eventually he is going to stop feeling like he fucks up all of the time and start thinking that I am just a bitch all of the time.  He makes me feel like I am oversensitive and bitch all the time.  I know you have to pick your battles, and I try not to let stupid things bother me, but it seems like there are a lot of big things that I just cant let go of.  Maybe he should just no longer be in my life.  He and I are not likely going to be a longterm thing, maybe it would be easier to break it off now.  Do I just let the answering machine pick up?  Do I just not talk to him for awhile?  I honestly think he cares about me, maybe loves me, but is just not very good at being a boyfriend.  He doesnt know how to.  He just forgets.

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